The Etiquette of an NYC Commuter

This is Manhattan coming at you from an undisclosed location, well, maybe not that undisclosed.  You may know me as the big apple, that city that never sleeps, Gotham, or just simply the city you live in.  Yeah, I know I’m pretty great.  What else could I possibly give you?  You get New Year’s Eve where I provide you a beautiful ball to drop (I mean how else would you know the new year has begun?), I give you a giant tree to light up for the holidays, which I have learned is now using LED lights (you hear that Mr. Gore?), I provide you more than enough hot dog and pretzel stands, stores, live entertainment, and a beautiful assortment of gum on the street forming little interesting connect-the-dot patterns.  But enough about me and my all-powerful awesomeness; this is about you. 

I’ve come to notice a bit of disruption and anger amongst my inhabitants when it comes to commuting.  Let’s get right to it.  I have gone out of my way to do the most I can for you to get from home to work, and then return you home from happy hour.  Now trust me, I get that it’s frustrating.  Sometimes buses or trains aren’t on time.  Sometimes you’ll see an electronic sign saying “Train will arrive in 6 minutes” and once it’s been 7 minutes you freak and curse the entire system.  Totally understandable.  But, I’d like us all to get into a more “Empire State of Mind” as Jay-Z puts it.  God I love that guy.  By that I mean, let’s put some sort of etiquette back into the commuting system. 

Ahh the subways.  Let me say, that I love you all, but you guys have got to get your acts together. When you get to the subway and you have that moment of “Oh shit, I need to add money onto my card!” just relax, breathe, and go to the line.  Yes, I know the line is torturous and feels like a slow death but it’s your only hope.  Please don’t harass the woman in the booth that you need a card immediately because you have somewhere important to be because:                                                                

          (a) she will not care or help you faster and…                                                                          

          (b)you are not the only person with somewhere to be. 

Once on line, do not, DO NOT under any circumstance cut the line.  I repeat do not cut the line.  This will only result in an altercation where someone will be bitch slapped.

We now move onto the manners on entering and exiting the train.  Now that you have your metro card full of money, you’re feeling pretty good.  You’re feeling pretty solid that you can go wherever you want.  Thumbs up to you.  But that was just the easy part.  To all commuters, this is crucial.  When you are on a subway you are not a puzzle.  What do I mean by that?  In puzzles, people often start with the outside first and then fill in the center.  This is NOT the case for you.  You are not a human puzzle.  When those doors open, please move out of the way so people can exit and enter the train.  Please do not, stand there to “hold your spot” so that people have to ninja their way into the train car.  It’s not pleasant for them, and the glares you will receive won’t be pleasant for you. 

Ahh, now the doors have closed and the subway is moving.  Should be fine right?  Hahahahaha.  Oh sorry I just crack myself up.  No this is far from over.   These moments in the moving train car are what separate man from beast.  Take the pole for instance.  We all need something to hold onto, but when so many hands grab for that pillar of strength at once, you’re left to balance in the middle, which  let’s face it, never ends with you standing upright and always ends with you flat on your ass or flat on someone else’s.  To those holding onto the poles, please try to make room for all hands to be on deck.  To those in the middle, use your judgment; grab for the ceiling, grab for the wall, or be confident enough to think you can stand there vertically the entire time. 

Lastly, I’d like to move onto the most crucial rule of all.  If your bag doesn’t have an ass, it does not belong in a seat.  When someone comes into the train looking for a seat and you have already placed your Gucci, or your Prada, or your whatever kind of bag on that seat, it is beyond infuriating so either keep it in your lap, or if you have a lapse in judgment and already placed it on a seat, swipe it away before someone comes over.  Your bag has no ass, it therefore belongs in NO seats on my subways. 

If you find these commutes are too treacherous, once again I apologize.  I have tried to accommodate to the best of my ability.  I know the system brings frustration.  So please, try to be human about it all.  Let’s not go onto the subway as if we are hyenas in the pride land.

God speed my commuters, and remember you are a New Yorker, so hold that metro card with pride!

Sincerely,

Your New York City